George Will Writes the World's Most Ironic Statement, Then Defies Gravity and Slips the Bonds of Earth

World Champion Wordsmith George Will: Logic
and reason no longer have a place in public discourse.

George Will has long relied on his mastery of vocabulary and syntax -- with an assist from his haircut -- to razzle and dazzle us from his perch at the Washington Post. But today, which may go down in rhetorical history, sees our Wunderkind outdoing even his own formidable skills.

Will may have crafted the most ironic statement in the history of the world. May I preface it by saying it's by way of another not-so-veiled attack on Barack Obama. Here, for all the world, is this most magical clause:

Barack Obama...perhaps should not be blamed for thinking that saying things is tantamount to accomplishing things...

You, dear reader, should be able to parse this for yourself, but let me help. It'll be so much fun. What makes this sentence so magical is that George Will has finally decided to admit that he's spent a lifetime accomplishing absolutely nothing!

George is to be congratulated for his overwhelming honesty, even as we need to console him for what a devastating impact his honesty must be having on his mood today. After all, realizing you've done nothing in your life except saying things, and realizing that saying things amounts to accomplishing nothing must sting. Oh, George, I'm so sorry for you this day. Have a gin fizz.

Have two. Three. Of course, I could be wrong. In the self-same column you said that Obama is accomplishing nothing because, for all his talk, he hasn't bombed Syria and Iran into smithereens. You leave out the part where he may well yet craft reasonable outcomes for those two conflicts, but then that's your view -- the "He should be blowing everything up" part -- and you're entitled to it.

That would be a small accomplishment, your expressing your view, if it weren't for the fact that you're on record saying that saying it is meaningless.

Camus, Sarte, and now Will. Oh, the existential horror. We could all do with a couple of gin fizzes about now.

I'm told this was George Will's last drink before the existential despair overtook him.