Charles Koch Is Upset That We Don't Love Him

Charles Koch: A lion in winter? Nah, just another rick prick who hates the poor
because they're not free (at least he doesn't want to pay for them!). Sorry, Charlie,
when you start wholesale lying for political ends, people will start calling you names.

And not to put too fine a point on it, we don't love you, at least we collectivists. Really, truly, he did use that word in his Wall Street Journal op-ed in which he pleaded for love and understanding for the lonely, big-hearted, oil baron that he is.

Right off the bat, Charles, let me tell you why we might not love you, apart from being called collectivists. Now we get that you couldn't use the C-word because that would give away your deep roots within the John Birch Society -- and lord knows you'd sound a little old-fashioned if you called us communists (oops, there I said it!) -- but we do appreciate that you telegraphed so well your inner feelings. Those dear feelings are hurt, and now we know why.

If we are the collectivists, what does that make you? Oh yeah, you're a lord, a czar, a prince, a king. You are our better, like Mitt Romney, and I appreciate that such a status shouldn't make you end up more of a Rodney Dangerfield than a Julius Caesar, but there you are.

You at least have enough reserve that we're unlikely to catch you bug-eyed, twitching as you straighten your tie while nervously intoning, "I get so little respect, I go crazy and all I can think of is spending millions of dollars trashing healthcare reform. And I still get no respect."

Unfortunately, Charles, you aren't a comedian, you aren't funny, and I wish you were because at least you'd be doing something productive. Instead, the creeping awareness that communists collectivists are storming your gates because they we consider you a kleptocrat, an oligarch, a tool, but never a nobleman, a czar, a prince. You aren't funny, sir, and in spite of your wealth we communists collectivists will always tell you what you really are, and that's a crass dickhead who inherited wealth. You love liberty, especially the kind you found in your dad's bank account.

As long as you put your billions to use lying to the American people and playing us for the suckers that some of us are -- why do white, male, working-class stiffs actually think you're on their side? (I could hazard a guess) -- we will fight you, we will call you out, and yes, Mr. Koch, when we can we will mock you, even if that's the only satisfaction we'll likely receive.

There is one other satisfaction we'll no doubt treasure, and that's the knowledge that in the end you and your kind -- heartless bastards that use their money against the common good -- will not only pass from this sphere but be remembered for being the creepy little punks you were.

Because, to paraphrase Martin Luther King Jr., the arc of history is long, but it bends toward Denmark.

A swarm of future collectivists crowding the Danish streets.