It's Time I Admitted It: Pope Francis Is the Nicest Asshole in Decades

Hard to not like this guy. But Catholic doctrine blows, and Francis ain't changing it.

I was raised Catholic, and Pope John XXIII was the first pope I was old enough to appreciate. By all accounts he was a nice pope and was innovative and Vatican II and folk masses and all that, but he didn't really change anything that much. Not blaming him, but the Catholic Church that came out of his reign was the same Church that buggered boys left and right, right up to the present.

It was somewhat the same with Pope John Paul II: He was Polish and Solidarity happened and communism fell and we gave him some credit, and he was shot and he forgave his assailant, blah, blah, blah. Then I heard his Holiness railing against birth control on a visit to Mozambique -- when Mozambique was considered the poorest nation on Earth with women typically having as many as twelve children there (twelve!). After that, it was fuck the guy. Seriously, fuck him. What does his Holiness do, hate the piss out of womenfolk?

So enter Pope Francis, and he's a charmer. A decent guy, and I'm sure he is. But the fact is he's never going to really reform the Church, which really would mean allowing priests to marry and allowing women to the clergy, as well. Not going to happen. Also, he shouldn't make nice with the victims of sexual abuse and apologize to them and pray with them.

No, if Francis is serious about the sexual abuse the priests of Christendom foisted on their most vulnerable charges, he should announce loudly that he's ripping the Church a new one, and everyone connected with the scandal has got to go. And name names, and own up to EVERY LAST SCRAP OF SHAME. (And that goes for the nuns in Ireland, too.)

Again, it's not going to happen. I'm no longer religious -- though I'm still sentimentally attached to the Church the way you still love an old girlfriend or wife who raked you over the coals but you still remember "the good times," like when you received communion and felt sort of holy or something -- so the religion part I could take or leave, and I seriously think of religion as one of the most antiquated things we still cling to as a species.

But the bottom line on Pope Francis is he's like a nice old grandfather but one who wants to keep women in the chains men have always thought women should be burdened by. Women were made by God so men could dominate them and keep them pregnant to make more souls for the glory of God. Fuck that. Twice. No, more than that.

Francis might be a nice guy, but for the human race he's a ball and chain, and for women he's a whip.